While a divorce can be a good thing and something even immediately celebrated, it brings about change and subsequent feelings of guilt, loneliness, regret, etc. More so, a person needs to take care of themselves in order to love again. Dealing with divorce is not as easy as changing residences and signing divorce papers. It requires emotional healing.
Dealing with Divorce: Picking Up the Pieces and Loving Life Again
Here’s how to heal and love life again:
Divorce can bring an immediate high, especially if one has been living through an unfortunate relationship for a significant time. Also, if one has not been single for years or decades, they may grow excited at the thought of dating other people and having new experiences. Most go through an immediate high and then experience negative emotions as they must get used to a single lifestyle, and change always brings about some levels of stress and anxiety. There’s no reason not to enjoy the immediate feelings of bliss, but it’s necessary to understand it will subside.
Many feel like a friend or family member is the right person to talk to about feelings. However, close ties and relationships can obscure problems and impede solutions, a reason why counselors, otherwise strangers, help people through medical and personal issues. Find a designated confidante, one who you can trust and talk to about your feelings. You’ll go through a range of feelings, all or most that are healthy. It’s important to have someone who will listen to you. It doesn’t have to be a ‘close’ friend, just a good listener.
People think of ‘life’ as a linear sequence, with hopes, dreams, and expectation. It’s an awful lot of pressure to put on a person, relationship, marriage, career, etc. Rather than think of the divorce as a failed life ‘goal,’ reconsider the way you think about the future. For one, it’s excitingly unknown. Sure, there are goals to work towards, yet some elements are out of your control. Perhaps understanding that you’re always getting closer to your destiny is a more positive way to view the future and to get through an immediate divorce or trial in life.
As mentioned, you’ll go through a range of feelings that are mostly healthy. However, some people have a more difficult time adjusting to change itself, being single, having to move residences or even states, and going through a modification in their social life (Some pals may feel alienated, being ‘better friends’ with an ex.) A counselor can help you distinguish between healthy and unhealthy feelings. For example, a loss of excitement or motivation is common yet unfortunate. However, thoughts of suicide or becoming emotionally closed off to others, even those closest to you, is not healthy and needs remedy before things spiral out of control.
Idle time is the enemy in times of emotional crisis. If you’re bad at being spontaneous or finding things to occupy your time, make an effort to find a hobby or make definite plans with friends throughout the week. A person’s passion is displaced during a breakup. They had strong emotions toward a person and now there is no proper ‘place’ for those feelings. Yet, the energy remains, a reason one needs to find a positive outlet – learning a craft, beginning to jog, forming a company or charity, etc. This may also be a good time to read, Jackson Mississippi Divorce Lawyer: Building the Future You Deserve.
You’ll hear a lot of opinions yet there is no conclusive rule regarding when it’s time to date again. Some people are able to get back out there quickly while others need time to focus on themselves before being serious about another relationship. However, be fair to yourself and others who potentially may develop feelings when you begin dating. Be sure that you are ready, for if you’re not, a new relationship will seem too intimidating and mentally challenging to thrive.
Wise healers and counselors remind us that any challenge introduces an opportunity for improvement. When it’s time, survey your prior relationship. While it’s better off that you did not wind up being with that person, there are lessons to learn. Did you contribute to any unneeded strife due to your own habits, beliefs, etc? Are there things you can do differently in a new relationship that will be conducive to its success? While a divorce is an ending of sorts, don’t deny yourself the opportunity for self-growth and new beginnings.
Archie Adams is a couples therapist who enjoys helping people in turmoil. He also enjoys sharing his tips and insights on a number of family and relationship blogs.
What does it mean to be healthy? Does it mean looking like a Victoria’s Secret model but having a train wreck of a social life? Does it mean making a lot of money but having no time to eat well or see family? Does it mean feeling happy despite rainy days? Some celebrate inner peace and self-hypnosis. Here’s why you need to give it a try and how to get started:
Improved Health and Inner Peace: Meditation and Self-Hypnosis Leads The Way
You sleep a third of your life. As in life, some do better than others. Purchasing supreme quality mattresses, making the bedroom a cooler temperature, and listening to soothing sounds are ways to get better sleep. But some swear self-hypnosis allows them to sleep better. It’s known that we do well after eight hours of sleep but the quality of sleep matters more.
Saved Medical Costs
Self-meditation is known to influence medical conditions. Patients with irritable bowel syndrome showed improvement six years after hypnosis treatment. If you compound the cost of medicine and medical treatment over that time, it’s a lot of money saved. Patients started to report signs of improvement after 12 sessions of one-hour therapy treatments.
Self-meditation has been associated with pregnancy, cancer, and arthritis. With repeated sessions of self-hypnosis, people begin to gain control of their body and its reaction to pain. For example, a pregnant woman can focus on the wonder of childbirth and less on the associated pain. Expectation influences experience. One can literally alter an experience based on perception or ability to focus on positive rather than negative aspects.
Anxiety is more a state of mind. Sure, doctors can measure blood pressure and pulse rates and understand certain body effects are related to a condition, but those who self-meditate can lessen feelings of anxiety. For example, public speaking takes an amount of courage. While some personalities may find it easier to do, those who meditate can learn to harness the energy of the moment and use it in their favor.
Any beginner is top heavy on excitement and paper thin when it comes to skill. Such is a recipe for disappointment. Excitement is great but it’s more practical to start anything new on a smaller scale. So, start trying to meditate for five minutes each day for one or two weeks. If you find that you don’t have the discipline to devote five minutes per day, then you should reconsider if meditation is for you.
Understand a Thoughtless State
Some confuse meditation with wisdom. Wisdom can come from meditation and wise people may meditate but there’s a difference. Meditation is a state of complete mindlessness. You don’t want to be thinking about anything at all. It takes great discipline to identify when the mind wanders and to rid your head of thoughts. Meditation is a ‘flush’ of the mind, a state of peace. You might be thinking that you have to focus on something. If anything, focus on your breathing.
Count Sheep and Imagine Numbers
Your mind will wander. Even those with decades of experience need to keep constant focus. You can do things like count sheep or image numbers in your head. Repeat such images until your mind is totally thoughtless and at peace. Sites like ehypnosis offer helpful resources on self-hypnosis and other meditation techniques.
Use an Alarm
If you’re doing it right, you’ll lose track of time. Use a timer, alarm, or app that helps with meditation. You don’t want a rude awakening but something gentle that alerts your mind that meditation is over. On the contrary, a loud or jolting alarm will interrupt the end of meditation as you anticipate it going off.
Sit with Your Back Straight
Any kind of skin sensation is a distraction. It’s why you don’t want to meditate lying down or amid a big cushy chair. You want to be sitting on the floor with your back straight. Some sit with their legs crossed with arms resting on their knees and palms facing up. Basically, you want to get in a comfortable position yet you want your body as isolated as possible from other things. For example, if you’re sitting on a chair, try not to have your back touching it.
Keep Eyes Open or Shut
Should you keep your eyes open or shut? The answer is whichever makes you feel more relaxed and able to concentrate on breathing. Most people find it easier to meditate with their eyes closed. Others find it easier to clear their mind when their eyes are focused on one thing. Some focus on one part of the floor or wall as they begin to drift into a meditative state.
“I have no time” is a common phrase that you hear a lot these days. Whether it’s work responsibilities, family activities, or school obligations, there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of free time in our days. Unfortunately, with time being on short supply, finding time to spend with God can suffer and be put on the back burner. This is disappointing because spending time with God through Japa meditation or Gauranga breathing is very important as it provides the transcendental nourishment our soul needs to be happy. I have found a few ways to carve out extra time throughout the day to remember God.
Freeing up Time for What’s Important
Firstly at work. Working in a laboratory, I find myself sitting at a lab bench or computer quite often. I make sure that I take breaks every few hours to either stretch or walk around. Taking these short breaks is not only allowed by my employer but recommended because they will help to reinvigorate my body and mind and help prevent repetitive stress injuries. During these short 5 minute breaks, I like to take a walk outside. I make sure to take my japa beads with me and chant “Gopala Govinda Rama Madana Mohana”. Even for just a short period of time, the power of the mantras will make you feel happier and less worried about anything that may be causing stress. I usually do this 2-4 times a day depending on my work load.
Secondly during exercise. I enjoy working out and trying to keep physically fit. I usually like to lift weights and I found that if I cut down my “rest” time between sets, I’m able to free up time. I used to rest about 60 seconds between sets, but recently I’ve cut that down to 45 seconds. I do 4 sets of an exercise and at least 5 exercises, so that totals 5 minutes. I like use this 5 minutes to find a spot to sit and quietly do Gauranga breathing. Doing Gauranga breathing after a workout is good because it helps my body to cool down from the physical stress it just experienced. In addition to the spiritual benefit, cutting down the rest time between sets is also good for my workout as it keeps my heart rate up which increases the cardio benefit.
Watching television is not something that I routinely do but there are a few programs and shows that enjoy watching each week. These shows are either 30 to 60 minutes in duration. However, I have learned that by utilizing my DVR to record the show, I’m able to cut them down to about 25 and 45 minutes. Usually I record the show and watch them on another day, fast forwarding through the commercial breaks and freeing up extra time for myself. If I do watch the show on the day it’s recorded, I will wait about 15 minutes before I start watching, this allows me to fast forward through all the commercials. I use the extra time I have freed up to finish up chores I would do prior to sleeping for the night, such as cleaning dishes, tidying up the house and showering. That way once my show is completed, I don’t have to worry about household chores and can focus my attention on doing my nightly japa meditation and Gauranga breathing before sleep.
Finally, I have heard that a good night’s rest is usually between 6-8 hours. I’m lucky to be able to get 6.5-7 hours of sleep each night. In addition, my daily schedule allows me to have regular sleeping and waking times. That being said, depending on how my day went and how tired I am, I will try to stay up for an additional 5 minutes doing Gauranga breathing before I go to sleep at night. Also, if I don’t feel extremely exhausted when going to bed, I will set my alarm 5 minutes earlier in the morning and use that time for an extra 5 minutes of japa or mantra meditation practice. I have been able to do this occasionally and don’t feel that my body is exhausted or sleep deprived because of the 10 minute deficit.
As you can see, just by making slight changes to some of my daily activities, I can find 25 – 40 minutes of extra time each day. And being able to use that time to spend time with and remember God has made a big impact on my happiness. I hope that everyone can find a few minutes here and there to free up time for japa meditation practice or Gauranga breathing. No amount of time is too small because of the immense power of God’s Holy Names!
Emily Marshall lives in a quaint small house in the booming city of Toronto with her 3 legged husky, Niko. She has earned her degree in Occupational Therapy and works full time supporting students with special needs. She spends her free time exercising, cooking delicious, vegetarian food and regularly attending meditation classes. She is grateful for the good will and support of her readers.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you think, “This is the worst moment in my entire life. I don’t know how I’m going to make it from here.” ?And it’s always worse when you know that this has come about because of wrong choices you’ve made.
Some years back I had a moment like this. Correction – I had several moments like this in a two year period. I made some wrong choices. I allowed myself to be subjected to emotional blackmail and verbal abuse. I parted with my self-esteem, my self-confidence, and yes, even my money!
When I look back at this time and wonder what made me sink deeper and deeper, here are some of reasons I come up with.
Not trusting my own instincts: Deep within, I knew that the choices that I was making were not good for me, but I shut out that inner voice and attempted to lie to myself.
Suffering from a I-know-it-all-syndrome: I refused to listen to the advice of those who loved and knew me. I thought I knew it all and since I didn’t want to hear what I didn’t want to hear, I just shut out these voices of concern.
Suffering from a poor-me syndrome: I must warn you that this one is a sure killer. There’s nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself.
Not seeking opportunities for growth: I didn’t read the kind of books that would inspire me. I gave up on attending programs that would challenge me to change.
Not reaching out for help: Instead of sharing my situation and fears with people who could have helped me, I kept things to myself and attempted to manage on my own.
When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises any more.
Eventually, I did reach that time when I admitted I was lost in the woods. Strangely that was also a moment of great clarity. I realized how utterly foolish I had been. I had been selling myself short by not giving myself the love and respect I deserved.And most of all I realized that I had to start my life over. Here are some steps I took towards this:
Working on my thoughts: According to Dr Wayne Dyer ‘The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind.’ This, from my experience, is very true. I worked on my mind and belief systems.
Taking responsibility: I stopped feeling like a victim and took responsibility for the consequences of my choices and for the feelings that followed. I stopped blaming others including the persons who had taken advantage of me.
Desiring to be happy: Now, I’m sure you find this funny. You’re going to say, ‘Who doesn’t want to be happy?’. The strange thing is often we don’t really want to be happy – we’re so used to being depressed and unhappy. The proof of desiring happiness is in the pursuit of it. By thinking happy thoughts, hanging out with happy people and seeking happy places, we demonstrate our desire to be happy. That’s exactly what I did. I re-ordered my mind to think happy!
Dreaming again: When I got ‘lost’ I gave up on my dreams. Now, I dared to dream again.
Praying again:I began to spend a few minutes in prayer – various kinds – meditation, quiet time, reading a reflection, writing a reflection and often just crying! This was a time of healing and letting go of the pain of failure and the feeling of being ‘lost’.
So that is how I wandered out of the woods and put my life back on the path it was meant to go on – back to myself as I was meant to be. Of course, I’ve got miles to go but the journey is not clouded by self-inflicted pain any more. Now I am filled with ideas and dreams…..and a lot of love for myself.
So if you’ve wandered off in to the woods, it’s never too late to find yourself again and it’s never too late to be happy!
If you are new to Friday Reflections, here’s what it’s about. It’s the end of the week, you’re probably exhausted with work, and all you want to do is sit back, put your feet up, sip on some fancy cocktail or wine, and write away. Sanch of Living My Imperfect Life and Everyday Gyaan give you writing prompts and all you have to do is choose any one of those prompts to blog about and link up between Friday and Monday. After you link up, be sure to spread the love by visiting other bloggers who have linked up too.
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Prompts for 9th June are:
1. Write a piece about coming out of the dark and seeing the light
2.Write a post about making mistakes
3. Think about a place you went to when you were younger. Share your memories as well as thoughts on how it has changed.
4.“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
― Carroll Bryant
5. Picture prompt (via Godyears)