Life, Noticed : Of Eulogies

In recent months, I’ve had opportunities to attend funerals, read death notices, and listen to many eulogies. Eulogies were absent from Indian Catholic funerals for most of my life. I can remember them only in the last 20 years. And I’ve seen them drag on, with more people talking and just so many words.

My mother was not a fan of eulogies. She believed that if you wanted to say something good about someone, do it while they were alive. Her convictions were reflected in a poem she found, named ‘Living Bouquets.’ When she passed away, as she requested (with my help and divine favour), she was taken straight to the cemetery rather than to a church. No eulogies for her.

Now back to my observations on the eulogies I’ve been listening to. While one funeral had a poignant eulogy by a young daughter and a wife., both short and meaningful, I found the others over the top.

Here’s my take on things we can do with / do without with eulogies based on what I’ve noticed.

Too many people coming to speak – especially non-family. It’s a funeral, not a job interview that requires recommendations! We really don’t need everyone and their sister giving long eulogies. (People come to pay their respects to the person who has passed and/or to condole with the family – don’t fore them to sit and be bored by such long speeches.

Saying that the deceased had a favourite child or was a favourite child. We can do without this information. Family dynamics don’t really need to be spoken of. Besides having favourites doesn’t reflect well on the parents!

Listing out achievements especially those in the person’s youth. How does it matter if someone served well, or danced well or won a talent competitionor the 100 metres run in school. I suspect that sometimes this need to focus on a person’s achievements is a way to project your family as being successful. Would it be so much better to talk about the person’s character – her kindness, his genorisity, her ability to make people smile, the emotional impact they made?

It’s okay to talk about a person’s quirks – but to use an incident to embarrass someone who is living and present at the funeral is an absolute no no. Don’t embarrass anyone.

Giving a vote of thanks at the end – especially when you list out names of people can be avoided. You sometimes end up,inadvertantly leaving out the names of someone who did a lot – or choosing one side of the family over the other. There was one funeral at which the deceased’s son pointedly left out any mention of his father’s family and praised his mother’s family ( the deceased’s in-laws). Do you really want the funeral to be aplace to showcase family politics? I think not.

And finally keep it brief. One eulogy – just 3-5 minutes.

What might work best

Perhaps the answer is fewer speeches, fewer performances, and more presence. Let the funeral be a place of prayer, silence, and shared grief, not a stage for showcasing a family or scoring points . If we have love, gratitude, or admiration to express, may we offer those as living bouquets given freely and in a timely manner. And when the end does come, may what remains need very few words at all.

Life, Noticed is my monthly pause and an invitation for you to pause with me. On the third Monday of every month, I share observations about my ordinary days: the small moments, passing thoughts, and quiet details that shape our lives.