Building A Life

Being ‘intentional‘ this year has helped me discover so much about myself. The presence of mentors has been instrumental in my transformation. Their words and stories made me question my life’s direction and how I am building a life.

Building A Life

To build a meaningful life, one must be fully present and willing to change their circumstances. It requires the willingness to tune in when you’d rather tune out. It requires asking yourself tough questions.

Beth Kempton, who I consider a mentor, asks this question in her book Kokoro (read my brief review here).

Where are you in your life right now? How is this different or similar to how you imagined your life would be at this age and stage?

Today, I came across what Melinda French Gates said in a recent interview. Interestingly, she’s only a year older than me. She turned 60 in August and partially responded to Beth’s prompt. “I had thought I was going to be married for life. I thought I’d be married for 50-plus years. So all of a sudden, you see that even despite very much work and counselling, what you had doesn’t actually exist. And that for me, I couldn’t go forward. There wasn’t enough trust any longer. So it wasn’t something I wished for. I certainly didn’t think I would be in my late 50s and be divorced.”

My Response to Beth’s question

Let me share with you just some of what I wrote in my journal in response to the prompt. I’m numbering them to make it easier for you to read.

#1 In my mind, I would have married a lot earlier than when I did. I thought that by now (59 this year), I’d have grown-up children. But I got married at 41 and I didn’t have children.

When I thought about this, I recalled something quite funny that took place over 30 years ago. An acquaintance, who was a psychology enthusiast assigned us to draw a house, tree, water body, partner/future partner, and children/future children. I drew a small house by a river, with a coconut tree, my ‘husband’, and the ‘children’ playing on the other side of the river.

I don’t remember what the guy’s interpretation was, but I remember my brother laughingly saying, ‘God help your future children – you don’t seem to care about them!’ Did I have some inkling that I wouldn’t have children? I don’t know. What makes this story even funnier is that some years later, the guy proposed to me!

#2 I always wanted to have a partner who was my friend and confidant. Turns out that despite the long wait and some frogs along the way, I did my Prince Charming. No horses and carriages – but we’ve had quite a ride, and he’s really helped me to clarify what’s important to me. We are each other’s best critics, but also fiercely protective of one another.

#3 This is something I could never have imagined – cutting myself off from old friends and a large part of my family. It’s been the hardest thing to do and yet, I realize that if I wanted to be at peace with myself, it’s what I had to do.

Working on my healing. Making changes. Choosing my principles. Setting boundaries. It has become apparent to me that a lot of them struggle to accept the person I have grown into. And that’s okay. Their absence has created space for more aligned relationships and a lot more self-respect.

So this is what building a life is all about.
Taking the time to choose your principles and decide what you stand for. Learning to walk by them.
Laying down the ideals other people have for you—how they want your life to be.
Letting go of what didn’t happen—the paths you didn’t choose. The people who weren’t for you.
Being brave enough to stop looking in the rearview mirror—nothing is waiting for you there.
Embracing healing, mindfulness and gratitude.
Choosing to be connected to people who lift you up.
Making meaningful use of your time and resources.
Staying authentic.
Showing up even when you feel vulnerable.
And knowing that you are still a work in progress.

What does building a life mean to you?