Connection: Making Room for What Matters

I wrote this at the end of September but just haven’t got down to posting it. I’ll write about my reasons for this in a couple of days. For now, I’m sharing what I learned about ‘connection‘ – my theme for September.

I used to think connection was something I had to go out and find. But spending time with Alex Elle’s practices on Connection on Insight Timer made me look at connection differently. I had been looking outward when I needed to begin with myself.

Alex begins with the idea that “Connection begins where you live.” It made me pause. How can I show up honestly for others if I’m not willing to be honest with myself? How can I nurture meaningful relationships if I keep setting aside my own needs to make room for everyone else?

These are some of the things I’ve been reflecting on, and what I’m learning along the way.

1. Come back to yourself: What do you need?

Alex’s practice invites us to notice where we’ve been holding ourselves together and where we may have put someone else’s needs ahead of our own. As I sat with this, I realised how often I’d kept my needs to myself. I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone, so I told myself I could manage.

But I’m learning that I am allowed to name what I need. It doesn’t make me demanding or difficult. It gives the people I love a chance to understand me rather than leaving them to guess.

I’m also beginning to see that the relationships I nurture should nurture me, too. If I’m always the one giving, understanding and making allowances, something is missing. Care that flows only in one direction can leave us exhausted rather than connected.

2. Be curious, not critical

Looking honestly at our relationships doesn’t mean blaming ourselves or others. It means being willing to see what’s there, even when the truth is uncomfortable.

I’ve started asking myself a few questions:

• How do I feel in my body when I’m with this person?
• What might I be overlooking because I don’t want to face it?
• What feels right in this relationship, and what doesn’t?

Sometimes, my body seems to know before my mind catches up. There’s the tightness before a phone call, the relief when plans are cancelled, or the lightness I feel after certain conversations. I don’t want to jump to conclusions based on these feelings, but I don’t want to dismiss them either.

They are worth paying attention to.

So I’m practising this simple reminder: I will listen to what my body is telling me. Not to find fault with someone else, but to become more honest about my own experience.

3. Speak honestly, even when it feels uncomfortable

For a long time, I confused intensity with closeness. Big emotions, constant contact and dramatic reconciliations could feel like connection simply because they made me feel something.

But I’m beginning to understand that intensity is not the same as connection. Some of the relationships that mean the most to me are quieter. They offer steadiness, room to breathe and the freedom to have a difficult conversation without everything falling apart.

I also recognise how often I’ve chosen silence to keep the peace. But sometimes, what I called peace was really avoidance. I was afraid of upsetting someone, so I held back what I needed to say.

Now, I’m learning to speak honestly and kindly without editing myself into someone more convenient for others. I like the thought that I don’t have to wait for my fear to disappear before I speak. I can make room for courage while the fear is still there.

4. Give yourself permission to change

Some relationships belong to earlier versions of ourselves. Some continue to grow with us, while others no longer feel right. Yet letting go can be difficult, especially when loyalty, shared history or a sense of obligation keeps us holding on.

I’ve been thinking about how much of myself I sometimes hold back because I’m trying to remain faithful to who I used to be.

What if letting go isn’t always a loss? What if it’s also a way of reclaiming ourselves?

Letting go can be an act of reclamation. It can mean taking back the time, energy and attention we need to move forward. It doesn’t mean that a relationship was meaningless or that we have failed. Sometimes, it simply means that something has changed.

These questions have helped me reflect without turning the exercise into a search for someone to blame:

• Is the effort in this relationship coming from both sides?
• Do I feel that there is reciprocity in my connections?
• Am I always the one reaching out, making plans or keeping things going?

Relationships aren’t transactions, and life isn’t always evenly balanced. There are seasons when one person needs more support than the other. But over time, there should be some sense that we are both showing up, in whatever ways we can.

If I’m always the one giving, it’s worth asking why.

5. Learn to receive care, and choose your company

Giving care comes more easily to me than receiving it. I can deflect offers of help, insist that I’m fine and carry on, even when a part of me would welcome someone asking a few more questions.

But connection asks something of us on both sides. It asks us to give, certainly, but also to receive.

Sometimes, letting care in is as simple as accepting an offer of help, admitting that we’re having a difficult day or allowing a friend to be there for us without feeling that we must immediately return the favour.

It also means being more thoughtful about the company we keep and asking ourselves: What kind of connection am I truly available for at this stage of my life?

Not what I could manage last year. Not what I feel obliged to offer. Not what someone else expects of me. But what feels possible and genuine right now, given the energy and attention I have.

Sometimes, I may have a wholehearted yes to offer. At other times, connection might look like a text, a short phone call or a walk together once a month. And sometimes, my answer may simply be, “Not right now.”

That doesn’t make me uncaring. It means I’m learning to be honest about my limits.

Choosing my company isn’t about shutting people out. It’s about making room for relationships in which care, understanding and effort have the chance to flow both ways.

What I’m learning about connection

I began this reflection thinking about connection as something I needed to find, build or earn. I’m beginning to see that it starts much closer to home.

It starts with being honest about what I need, paying attention to what I feel, speaking when something matters and recognising when it’s time to let go. It also means allowing others to care for me, rather than believing I must always be the strong one.

Making room for what matters isn’t about filling my life with more people or doing more to keep relationships alive. It’s about paying attention to where I place my time and energy, and choosing with greater care.

Most of all, it’s about learning not to abandon myself in the process of loving others.

It’s taken me a while to internalise this and I’m constantly mindful of my fears of being ‘disconnected’ from others and working on reminding myself to focus on the inner work.