A to Z challenge - Justice and Social Causes - Life and Inspiration

11 Things I’ve Learned Since Your Murder

April 12, 2014 - By 

I welcome one of the friendliest and talented bloggers I have the honour to know.  She is the most gentlest of souls and yet a fierce voice for women, especially those who are victims of domestic violence. Kim Sisto Robinson writes at My Inner Chick. Today, Kim shares what she learned from the tragic and brutal death of her beloved sister, Kay.

Subscribe to Kim’s blog and follow her on Twitter.

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Dear, Corinne, thank you for allowing me to Guest Post on your beautiful blog today. I am honored to be here in Mumbai to talk about my dear sister, Kay, who was murdered by her husband on May 26th, 2010. It was the saddest day of my life.

11 Things I’ve Learned Since Your Murder

It was a fine cry, loud and long, but it had no bottom and it had no top, just circles and circles of sorrow.” –Toni Morrison

1. drinking bottles of wine, praying for death, and trying to figure out ways to escape my new reality did not work. I had to walk directly, fully, and completely through the fire.

2. when somebody tells you who they are with words and actions, you better damn well believe them from the very beginning.

3. murder, deception, and darkness can happen in your own family. I know. It happened in mine.

4. no matter how ferociously you want to save somebody, you cannot. NO. That person can only save themselves.

5. the human body is capable of weeping uncontrollably for 365 strait days without ceasing. I find that fact astonishing.

6. God Lives.

7. the preparation of the past prepares you for the future. For example, I memorized the 23rd Psalm two months before my sister’s murder. After her murder on May 26th, it was the only prayer I could remember.

8. mourning never ends; it is only born into the world with its sharp- ugly- good for nothing claws. The pain must be woven into your new existence.

9. In the midst of your darkest hours, light finds a way through open windows.

10. the body may die, but the love endures forever and ever and ever.

11. my sister is NO LONGER a victim; she is now part of the solution to END domestic violence.

 

kay sisto

 

Our family will have the 4th annual Kay Marie Sisto Walk To End Domestic Violence on May 31st, 2014. Info Here: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/events.html

Video of Kay’s Last Days / No More Silence:

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This post is written for the letter ‘K’ for the Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014.

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Corinne Rodrigues, a writer, coach, and blogger from Secunderabad, India, shares insights on life, creativity, and wellness through her blogs Everyday Gyaan and The Frangipani Creative.

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124 Comments on “11 Things I’ve Learned Since Your Murder”

  1. Such a tragedy domestic violence is and that’s a very positive way to look after all this

    PhenoMenon

  7. This was so very touching. And those pictures! Thanks Kim for sharing this, and especially for that 11th point. Thanks Corinne for hosting Kim.

  8. So sad and tragic. My heart breaks for the family of this poor woman who was killed so senselessly. Too much of this happens and it makes me so sad.Thanks for enlightening us about this and raising awareness by hosting Kim, Corinne.

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  11. –Corinne,
    thank you for allowing so many women to utilize their voices upon your platform.
    By doing this, you are transforming the world!
    I truly believe this.
    With love & gratitude & many kisses from Duluth, Minnesota.
    Kim xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  12. OMG, truly a talented writer. Kim, your pain and loss overwhelms me.. I get sad for your loss and angry for the fact that this happens in the world. Heart braking story, but your words will give consolation to many in similar situation. Corinne, thanks for presenting Kim’s story, dear:-)

  13. Very sorry for your loss Kim. Your sister was beautiful. May she be at peace and may your quest to raise awareness and possibly even end domestic violence be successful. God Bless.

  15. Kim, you never cease to amaze me with your strength! You are an incredible woman and I love that I know you more and more with each post.
    Love, hugs and happiness to you from a sunny South Africa,
    🙂 Mandy xoxoxo

    1. Corrine, thank your for hosting Kim on your lovely blog today. It is so important to share with the world the story of healing and of support.
      Have a beautiful love filled happy weekend.
      🙂 Mandy xo

  16. I am thrilled to see you here today, Kim. (Thank you Corinne!). Every word you wrote is true – I’ve lost so many of my dearest ones and the hurt and pain are always fresh. I feel your loss. I still remember the first time I visited your blog, years ago. (July 1, 2011 when you wrote about glorious green).

    I am proud to know you – and I wear the Kay Marie Sisto Walk Tshirt with pride.

    Love you Kim. Holding your hand tight in mine. Love you more than all the flowers in the Lalbagh Botanical Garden.

    Vidya

  17. I can understand the pain of losing someone… Loved that point-God lives…indeed He does and that’s what gives us hope that this life here on earth is not the end…

  18. Kim, you are so brave! Your passion to end domestic violence in Kay’s honor is just f-ing amazing. Crying for 365 days in a row? Hoping to die? Look where you are now and how proud Kay must be! I love the video, it’s so powerful and such a beautiful reminder of Kay’s life. The fact that we might know someone suffering from domestic violence and we don’t actually see it is disturbing. Good luck with the run/walk for Kay! I wish I could be there.

  19. That you had to learn these lessons at all is heartbreaking, Kim.

    Most powerful: Kay is no longer a victim, she is part of the solution. As horrific as it all is, her murderer empowered her, via his vicious act, to make a difference from the other side.

    Goosebumps and tears.

    Love and peace to you, dearie. xoxo

  20. Number 5 on the list is soooooo true. I never knew it was possible to cry so much. Just when I think the tears are over, they come back with a vengeance. Very important blog entry, here

  21. Kim and Corrine, thank you for this post. When I was growing up, our family often seemed on the verge of domestic violence, but the weapons were usually words. Kim, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister.

      1. Oh yes. My dad sometimes got physical, but mostly he used words like billy clubs. When I was about 20, he began screaming at me for something, hurling all kinds of insults at me while I stood there and took it. I was trembling, my arms down at my side and my fists clenched like I was trying to hold onto my sanity. He saw them and taunted me, saying I wanted to hit him but I was a bleeping coward. I denied it, saying I never wanted to hit him. But he kept taunting and taunting until suddenly I punched him in the face. We were both stunned. He didn’t speak to me for days, but I won his respect. One of his problems, I think, was that he demanded respect from his family without having to earn it. I have long since forgiven him–he’s been dead for decades–but my oldest brother will hate our dad until my brother’s dying breath.

  22. Thank you for sharing your pain, Kim. I cannot even begin to imagine what Kay must have gone through. I read your post on your blog two days ago and it left such a deep impression on me. I join you in praying for Kay’s soul and may you have the strength to do more and more in this cause to end domestic violence.

  23. My darling, powerful and poignant as usual. So few words to say so very, very much. I love you and am glad you made it through the darkness and can now embrace that light shining through the open windows (because there are more open windows every day). I can’t wait to meet Kay.

  24. As always, I love you…I walk with you…I remember with you…I lift you and if I could, for even one minute I would carry the burden of your grief in my heart.

  25. I am so sorry this happened to your family. I spent most of my adult life abused, and also had a family member murdered by a family member. I wish I could say it gets better, but it doesn’t. I sometimes think that education will help, that telling people the statistics, to stop blaming the victims, to stop making excuses, that these things will change things, but there are so many people who still believe domestic violence is a race issue, or has something to do with education, income, or the one I heard the most when I reached out for help, “we’ve all said or done things to deserve being hit once in awhile.” No, no one ever “deserves” to be hit, punched, screamed at or murdered in their sleep. Keep talking–that’s the only way the world will change. Keep telling people that there really is no excuse, no reason, nothing that makes this okay. It will never be “okay.”

    1. Darla,
      Abuse of any kind is NEVER okay or acceptable. NEVER. NEVER. NO.
      Thank you for using your voice to STOP it.
      As for me, I will NEVER stop talking or screaming about Kay’s story until my last breath. Even then I will not stop! x

  27. Outstanding list — ever so sorry you had to go through such heartache to compile it, though. Here’s hoping sadness will flee and happiness will descend upon you and your family and remain there! Love you bunches!

    1. Sweet, Debbie,
      The happiness is just different now. We have a strong faith in GOD, so we know we shall be with Kay again. WOW. This helps tremendously. xx KISS.

  28. Dear Kim – beautiful and powerful post. But you always create words to stir up our hearts and minds! I know one day we will meet but while we wait for that to happen, I am so very ucky to have you in my life! Corinne- thanks for posting this on your page- we need to protect our sisters, no matter where they live. xx

  30. Hi Corinne, thank you so much for having Kim over here she is truly amazing. She always speaks the truth and she always speaks from her heart.

  31. How great to see you here in Mumbai, Kim! And nice to meet you, Corinne! So, poignant as always, Kim. #1 on your list–yeah, we always have to walk through it. And #2–is so true! It’s funny how people will you tell you right up who/what they are, and so often we choose not to believe it. Xo

    1. Debi,
      I shall never forget. Somebody asked me about Kay’s relationship w/ Mike. “When did it all begin?” they asked. “In the very beginning.” I answered. I only wish we would have known the outcome then. x

  32. I don’t have words – everything I want to say has already been said in the comments and seems empty to repeat them. I watched and read it and watched and read it again. What strength must have come out of this for her dear sister. When I speak to Battered Women\’s groups, every story I hear is so sad and so very unnecessary. How my heart goes out to all those who have to live with this.

  35. Domestic violence has consumed so many lives. Your post and the video is so moving and powerful. I don’t know what else to say. I am glad that your are fighting against the cause of your sister’s demise. One of mother’s cousin sister burned herself due to domestic violence. They still mourn and remember her. It breaks my heart everytime visit them.

  36. You make a very valid point, Kim – violence can happen in any country, any time, at any age. And yes, no matter how much we want to, we can’t help sometimes. I’m so glad you’ve started this movement – more women need the right support and courage to escape from an abusive relationship. Thank you Corinne, for introducing us to Kim!

  38. Thanks Kim ..Thanks for being so brave and so strong. It is in such life stories that we find the will to go on with all the pain, loss and difficulties in life with strength and endurance. Noone can take away the pain of your loss..but all I can say is I felt it with you and I am sure that the beautiful soul of your sister is smiling from the other side of the God and feeling proud of you!!!

    1. Shivakapoor,
      what a beautiful, kind comment.
      I am always quite amazed with somebody says I’m brave, strong…
      because sometimes I feel abundantly, utterly weak.
      Than you for reading. x

  39. I am saddened to read about your sister. Thank you for being so brave and working for a cause that exists almost everywhere.

    1. Dear, Pratibha,
      Yes, this epidemic is EVERYWHERE.
      And what it’s truly about is RESPECT & being Valued.
      Kay would continually say “I wish he respected me….valued me.”
      he never did.
      x

  40. Thank you for trusting us enough to share the things you have learned on your painful journey.

  41. So sorry for your loss, Kim. Broke my heart to read about your sister’s murder, the video is very moving. You are courageously working to create awareness about domestic abuse and that is commendable.

  42. Heartbreaking. Sad.
    True, love endures. Thank you for sharing and spreading awareness.

  43. Thank you both, Kim and Corinne for this post – it breaks my heart every time I read about Kim but it is so very impotrtant to speak out!
    I will carry your thoughts in my heart today…
    Lots of love,
    Andrea

    1. ..sorry about the typo, of course, I meant to write “KAY” in the second line….I guess my mind was focused on all that pain…
      More hugs from afar,
      Andrea

  44. I think that the statement that you can try so hard to save someone but you can’t. They can only save themselves, speaks HUGE volumes. I think that sometimes we feel like we are to blame for events that happen to the people we are so desperately trying to save. We have to keep in mind that we did everything we could.
    You did.
    Love you so much.
    xoxo

  45. The passion and love and loss scream out in Kim’s words. Your courage and strength Kim in speaking out are humbling. Because every time you write about Kay’s death, you have to visit that dark place that I know you would rather forget. Instead you take light into the darkness and use Kay’s spirit to light the way for others. God Bless You. xx

  46. Light always finds a way. THIS IS SO TRUE Kim. I don’t know how this is possible but it is.
    Kay is safe on the other side.
    Xxxxxxx

  47. I love #11. That was all you, Kim. You turned Kay’s memory into something that gives back. We’ve all come to know her through your blog, but it really means something that her memory is making a difference in the lives of others who are dealing with domestic violence, and that is all thanks to you.

    I’m blown away by #9: In the midst of your darkest hours, light finds a way through open windows.

    That is truly powerful and uplifting.

    And, I agree. My favorite photo of Kay is of her on the bridge. I’ve seen it before and each time it has left me feeling like she’s sending a message from beyond.

    1. Monica,
      I know. Kay in the red dress crossing over: Attraveriamo! She is going to the other side w/ GOD. I love that photo. It brings light, love, hope.
      Love to you, Sweets. xxx

  49. I’ve been a follower of Kim’s for many years. It’s good to see her here in India (if only virtually) so she can help others.

  50. Oh Kim… precious soul… everlasting love… gifted woman…

    This guts me every time I read your words about Kay and her agonizing existence and eventual death.

    That picture of her walking on the bridge steals my heart and lifts it up higher than my sorrow, into hope and joy and relief. I keep memorizing her face, so that I can find her in Heaven.

    1. Dear, Chris,
      I feel the same way about the crossing over photo. This is how I see Kay in heaven, too…This is how she will meet me. Xxx LOVE to you, darling.

  53. So horrible to hear about such a terrible event. Thank you for posting. I pray this will reach a lot of people and help combat domestic violence.

  54. I love the truths that you have learned. Domestic violence is such a horrible thing. It is something that scars your soul forever. Such a horrible event.

  56. Very sorry to hear about your loss. I know how hard it is to remain positive in the face of tragedy and so I love 9, 10 and 11 and the hope that comes through.

  59. ” the human body is capable of weeping uncontrollably for 365 strait days without ceasing. I find that fact astonishing.” – boy is this ever true. I’ve had such a rough year – losing my mother, having surgery only eleven days before her death (no I didn’t blog about this one), blowing out my knee one month after her death, losing my old dog who would have been 17 in May. But as we see in you, recovery happens though we’ll always carry the sadness and never be the same. You are so lovely and I think we can all feel your sister’s equally beautiful spirit shining through your words. Hugs…Renee

  60. Renee,
    I remember saying to my husband, “did that really happen to Kay? I mean, did Mike really kill her?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “then why am I still walking, breathing, Living?”

    The only reason I can think of is that GOD is BIGGER than me, you know?

    You will be with your mother and dog again, Dear…Just as I will be with Kay.

    Life is so DAMN HARD, sometimes unbearable…but NO PAIN is lost. Ever.

    Love to you from Minnesota. Always. xxx

  62. This breaks my heart because every bit of it is true. I lost my sister 4 years ago under different circumstances but the pain is always there and I grieve for her every day. Still.

    1. Marcia,
      The grieving lasts forever….at least until we meet again, at least until we hug again.
      So sorry about your sister, dear. So very sorry. xxx

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