As much as I love Pride and Prejudice, one of my favourite Jane Austen quotes comes from her Northanger Abbey. “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
I guess the reason I find it meaningful is perhaps because it’s reflective of my kind of loving. When I like someone, they will have no doubt about it. However, I’m also aware that I can be overbearing at times in showing affection. I want the other person to see how special they are in general and to me in particular. I think I even begin to imagine that they ‘need’ me to point them in the right direction.
But not loving by halves doesn’t mean trying to be all things to them. It shouldn’t mean that I try to show that my affection to the point of irritating them.
Sometimes people don’t want our love or caring. And that should be okay with us, or it wouldn’t be love at all.
Loving someone wholeheartedly should mean that I give them the freedom to be who they want to be. The freedom to make their own mistakes, even if it hurts to watch them doing so. It means that I realize that the Universe is big enough and generous enough to take care of those I love, without me lifting a finger to do anything for them.
I love the Buddha’s concept of equanimity in loving as explained by Thich Nhat Hanh in his Teachings on Love.
As long as we see ourselves as the one who loves and the other as the one who is loved, as long as we value ourselves more than others or see ourselves as different from others, we do not have true equanimity. We have to put ourselves “into the other person’s skin” and become one with him if we want to understand and truly love him. When that happens, there is no “self’ and no “other.”
Without upeksha, your love may become possessive. A summer breeze can be very refreshing; but if we try to put it in a tin can so we can have it entirely for ourselves, the breeze will die. Our beloved is the same. He is like a cloud, a breeze, a flower. If you imprison him in a tin can, he will die. Yet many people do just that. They rob their loved one of his liberty, until he can no longer be himself. They live to satisfy themselves and use their loved one to help them fulfill that. That is not loving; it is destroying.
I’m working on my concept of loving and yet not attempting to control the other.
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[…] may have noticed a bit of a pattern over the last month in which I end up writing about relationships. Like much of my writing, these posts have been reflective of my own losses and ‘wins’ […]
Especially with Valentine’s day coming this could not be more timely. I love the image of a summer breeze in a can not surviving as a great analogy to love possessed.
I read your post in context of my relationship with my children and it rings so true. At some level I want then to keep needing me all the time. As a good parent I should be doing quite the opposite. Letting go is so very hard but I’m on it.
After being with someone who wanted to keep me away from the outside world because ‘he loved me so much’ after being told I shouldn’t need anyone but him and his love, I came to realise that he had no idea what love was. He wanted to own me, to clip my wings, and that can never be love. I agree that to love someone is to love them for who they are, to let them come to you without force, to be there for them and allow them to be there for you. Beautiful post, you are such wonderful person and anyone is lucky to be loved by you my friend xx Thanks for linking up #mg
I think it’s a reflection laden with values and meaning. We cannot love people by half or impose conditions on them or else they will no longer be themselves in life. It’s about the individuality and self rather than being a replicated copy of the world.
I was curious to read this Corinne because personally I take ages to love a person, maybe because I am too scared to love someone and maybe because I get very upset if the person doesn’t have the same love for me. Not loving people by halves takes a bigger heart I guess, atleast a stronger one.
Ofcourse, if we cannot give freedom to our loved ones to be what they want to be, it is not love right?
You post resonated with me, Corinne. I guess there are some things that we only learn from having gone through the experiences and facing certain consequences. I’ve been there myself so i can imagine the feeling one goes through. Being aware of our limitations calls for a greater degree of awareness which you’ve so well expressed in this post. This to me is the prerequisite to practice witnessing, where you’re now headed for. I’m sure you’ll do it beautifully. More power to you dear Corinne. <3
Your post reminded me of the quote by Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet which pretty much sums up my thoughts on love. Took me a long time to get there thought. A snippet of that .quote is .. “Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls”.
I was thinking of writing to you, since I didn’t see any posts up here for a long time. Glad this came up. Thought provoking post as usual.
Beautiful post as always..Love should set both me and the other person free. We should not love with expectation to be loved back. We should love the person for who he/she is and not try to turn themselves into who I want them to be.
I’m finding that when I catch myself “loving by halves” it’s because I’m taking up so much room in my own heart.
I agree with you! If love someone, our love should let the person be who/she is rather than making them feel imprisoned! I believe that it is such love that lasts long!
I have learnt that the best kind of love is when you can give space to the other person and let him or her flourish on their own. Grown yourselves too and yet love each other, be there at a moment’s notice.
Loving someone doesn’t mean that you put them in a cage. By helping them be the best version of themselves is loving too. Absolutely agree with you here and wish more people would understand the point you’re making
I have heard and read a saying repeatedly in my life and that is “If you love a person, just set them free.” Interestingly this often came accross through Hindi movies. This post was a reminder of the same.
I hope your pressure has gor somewhat reduced this week, Corinne 🙂
Ah, I understand that impulse to smother the people I love with my care and attention. But I’ve learnt over the years that smothering does not equal loving! I’m trying to practice witnessing – it’s hard, terribly hard, but can be incredibly healing and empowering.